Category: Janene Justifiables Published on Thursday, 12 January 2012 16:21 Written by Janene Ryan Hits: 1054
Q: “Ran into an old friend yesterday” is the first line of a Fantasia song. If you know the song than you know what the question is about. I met up with an EX. After an innocent lunch date I realized I was still in love with him. He married but I want him. HELP! ~In love with a married man
Dear In Love With A Married Man,
PERSONAL DISCLAIMER: As a therapist I’m not allowed to get emotionally attached to issues people bring to me. I’m only supposed to guide and assist them at thinking about the issue from every angle possible, and effectively come up with possible solutions. However – and I’ll keep it 100 – I’ve been there and done that so I have some insight on what’s happening with you. Nonetheless, I will try to keep my personal thoughts and emotions under control while giving advice. That said, we will now return to our regularly scheduled programming!
First off I have to ask, you said, “I met up with an EX.” That has me wondering how you two so happened to “meet up?” You never said if you have kept in touch since the break up or if you, like the song reference said, “ran into him?” I’m asking for several reasons. One, if you two kept in contact after the break up then perhaps the end of the relationship wasn’t mutual? Second, did you guys have a “physical” agreement that you would stay in touch? Third, did you know he was married before the lunch date? And if so, why did you agree to go? And fourth, what makes you say you’re still in love with him?
I have to ask these questions because I want you to internally explore a few things. My first question referred to the end of the relationship not being mutual. And to be honest, it doesn’t even matter why you broke up because at this stage in the game, he’s married. In spite of this, I asked because perhaps you may be experiencing a level of rejection or incomplete emotions. Having unfinished business can be frustrating. And if you’re like me, I don’t like to leave things hanging in the balance. I want to know why it happened so I can move on. And when there are still some lingering questions or, basically, a not-good-enough explanation, then we harbor confusion and uncertainty. That tends to be an unstable place for people.
My second question focused exclusively on a physical relationship. Separating physically/sexually from a person is a much bigger deal than people make it. They brush it off as though “it’s just sex,” but it’s not. It’s a spiritual connection. And when you connect with someone spiritually then you have, in essence, given them a piece of your soul – especially when you’re a woman. I’ve said this several times in other posts, if you haven’t given yourself time to separate your heart, not just your body, then you’re still attached! Perhaps your love is largely in part due to a physical/sexual attachment? (Look up the term: SOULTIE)
Third, and this is where things can get a bit sticky; how did you end up on a DATE (that was your word, not mine) with a married man? Did you not think that was out of line? Don’t get me wrong, I have EX’s who are now married. And on occasion I will converse with them, but I know my and their limitations. And what I know is not to put myself or them in awkward situations where something, anything can happen. If I may for a moment give an example of what happened during the “innocent lunch date”:
You guys asked how each other families were doing; what new things (career, personal adventures) you are now involved in; if neither of you were/are aware of the others romantic status then that topic effortlessly eased into the conversation; then it switched to you two reminiscing of good times you shared (not the bad – just good); and perhaps the first question wound up on the table of, “why did we even break up?” then finally, YOU, if not both of you, realized there was still something there. Was I close???
Fourth, and finally, you made the boldest statement of all, which is “I'm still in love with him – a married man!” What makes you say that; because you shared one relaxing lunch together? Or was it because you’re heart thumped at a rate three times as fast as usual during the entire time you were together? Or because he said something that made your ears and clitoris tingle? Or – and this is really where I’m headed – is it because he belongs to someone else that you now want him??? We, women and men, always want that forbidden thing. For some reason when we can’t have something it makes us want it all that much more. (Don’t believe me, ask Adam and Eve!) But that is precisely where we get ourselves into jams that normally we can’t get out of without blood, sweat and tears!
Most people, especially optimistic people, see the good that could come from a relationship. They never see the negative outcomes that usually lie in wait. And this is where I need and want you to search your own heart and motives. Your cry for HELP is telling me that you want this man – for whatever reason; perhaps even for the reasons I mentioned, but you also understand – and hopefully you accept the fact that – this man is OFF LIMITS. I don’t care if during the date he came onto you or you just got a vibe that he was still interested, it’s still a no-go. Think about if the roles were reversed and it was your husband. Think about his wife. Would you want another woman to desire your husband; and not just desire him but want him the way you do? If need be, tell yourself, “It’s over for a reason which means he wasn’t for me!” Whatever you need to do to get him out of your system – hint, hint: stay away – then do that. Let your spiritual and personal convictions be the red light you need to quiet your want for him.
Being attracted to an EX or a married man, for that matter, is not at all far fetched. Some people turn their noses up when others make statements like that, but personally it’s not what people say but rather what they do. Don’t – and I repeat – don’t do something now that you will regret in the future. That said, in making your decision of how bad you want this man, heed these four words: KARMA IS A BITCH! Be Blessed!
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